I Want to be Me Read online

  The flutes just accepted Claudia. The fact that she was younger meant absolutely nothing to them. Claudia loved the fact that she played with them as an equal, that she seemed to belong. As they sat there, playing a little bit and chatting a little bit in the warm sunshine, they heard some music from over on Boar Hill. The wind was not very favourable that afternoon but they could hear the faint sounds of something that sounded like a march. It went on for quite a long time, with different pieces and the occasional drumroll. Then it stopped.

  Elfie moved at once to the top of the bank, where he was quickly joined by everybody else. They craned their necks and strained their eyes to see if the group was on its way back. It was. Soon enough, a small band appeared at the bridge. Even from where they were they could see it was a tired and raggedy band that staggered onto the meadow. As they got closer they could see that Tim was red-faced, and that the drummers looked worn out and were totally exhausted. When they finally arrived, they just collapsed exhausted on the grass. Tim confirmed everyone’s worst expectation.

  ‘We tried very hard. Even played a bit of “God Save The Queen”. We almost had him.’

  Ferdinand was on his way down the pathway and out the front gate. But a few notes on that harp and he was gone again. We almost had him. Sorry – sorry.’

  Tim slumped down on the ground. As if to rub salt into the wound, the sound of the violin and harp started up again, faintly drifting over the meadow from Boar Hill.

  Elfie had a look of resignation about him.

  ‘I can’t change the programme,’ he said. ‘We’re going to have to run with Finn as our lead violin. Then we’re going to have to look for other sounds in our orchestra. Anything that makes us different! We need any edge that we can get. So, everyone, look and listen, and if you hear anything you think might be good please let me know.’

  Almost immediately, Roger and Julia both came over to speak to him.

  ‘Young Claudia has a very nice touch with the flute,’ suggested Roger.

  ‘She does,’ Julia jumped in quickly. ‘She has a most distinctive style.’

  ‘Young is the word though,’ said Elfie. ‘She’s only 12 or 13 years old.’

  Julia immediately responded. ‘Plenty of examples of eleven- and 12-year-old soloists on the world stage!’

  Roger supported her.

  ‘If memory serves me right, Chin Li won an international competition when he was 10 years of age. For goodness’ sake, Ingrid is only 15! And what about the school orchestras?’

  ‘Still, there is the question of experience – and of course the pressure,’ Elfie replied. ‘We’ll look at a few others to start with. Meanwhile, let’s keep everyone busy. We’ll practise a bit more before we finish this afternoon.’

  When they had finally finished practising for the afternoon and were moving off to go home, Julia came over to Claudia and asked her if she would mind having some company on the way back. As they walked back they discussed the attempt that team had made to get Ferdinand back. Julia felt that they had misunderstood the situation completely.

  ‘The real problem in getting them back is not Ferdinand,’ she said. ‘It’s Elaine.’

  ‘Do you think so?’

  ‘I’m sure so,’ she said. ‘What those silly violins did was to question who Elaine was. That’s what’s upsetting Elaine. They undermined her belief in herself by not trusting her to do the music properly.’

  ‘I didn’t really understand that,’ Claudia replied, but she was already feeling some sympathy for Elaine.

  ‘Well, I think I’m right,’ Julia said. ‘To be good at music, or anything for that matter, you really have to believe in yourself. You’ve just got to trust your own ability. Fancy trying to patch things up by sending the same bunch of violinists who caused the problem, followed up by some trumpets to blast away at her. I really don’t think so!’

  ‘But then why did Elaine run off? Surely she could have stood up to them.’

  ‘The big thing was Ferdinand. They were very close and she trusted him and when he didn’t support her and sided with the violins she felt completely betrayed. Who wouldn’t? And that’s why Ferdinand won’t leave her now. He knows he was wrong. There’s even more to it that I might tell you about later.’

  They reached the bridge.

  ‘I think I understand now, Julia. Does Elfie know all of this?’

  ‘I’m sure he does. He’s always supported Elaine, but what can he do? He is trying to win the Midsummer competition, but at the moment I’m afraid that’s not likely.’

  They finally arrived at the bridge at Aristotle Lane.

  ‘You know, Claudia, I think you could be singled out to do something special. How would you feel about that?’ Julia asked.

  Claudia couldn’t believe her ears.

  ‘I’d be absolutely terrified! Please ask them not to do that. It would be just too much.’ Claudia was worried, not just at the idea of playing. She wanted Julia as a friend and didn’t want to disappoint her. She was torn between being in or out.

  Julia smiled sympathetically.

  ‘You just have to trust yourself, Claudia. I think you’ve got something to say that’s just you, and I think we’d all like to hear it.’

  With that they parted company, Claudia going to the left and Julia going off to the right towards Jericho. As she walked slowly along the canal, Claudia thought that things were changing very rapidly around her. She liked these changes, but they worried her. Wouldn’t it be easier just to walk away? No! For once she felt pleased with herself. For once, she’d done stuff she liked, and others did too.

  Her mobile rang. Was she that late? It was a text. It was very rude. A horrible insulting message. Stella had got back to her! She leant back and hurled the mobile into the middle of the canal, immediately realising she’d have some explaining to do at home. But that was where it belonged. In the mud at the bottom of the canal! Claudia ran the rest of the way home, arriving flushed in the face, a little breathless and still furious about the text.

  She calmed down a bit after dinner and resolved not to let that lot at school spoil everything, most especially by remote control. What cowards! She went to bed determined to be positive about what, for her, had been a great day.

  That night, perhaps not surprisingly, Claudia had a rather funny dream. Instead of the bad stuff at school, she dreamed of her old teacher from a few years back. Miss Mac, she was called. Miss Mac had been so nice to her. She never seemed to stop smiling. She’d helped Claudia a lot. For some reason, Miss Mac liked Claudia’s artwork, especially her use of colours. Claudia always felt good when she thought of her. She slept well.

  4

  My Cave

  On a Monday morning, just getting out of bed was an effort for Claudia. Sunday had taken its toll, and when her mother shouted out for her to hurry up Claudia winced.

  ‘You’ll be late.’ ‘Did you clean your shoes?’ ‘Your breakfast is getting cold!’

  Claudia found her mother’s voice to be sharp and penetrating. Over a very rushed breakfast, Claudia watched her mother fussing about in the kitchen. She seemed to be banging things this morning. ‘Why was Mother so cross so often?’ she asked herself as she left the house. Was it her fault or was it something else? She walked quickly, and the school gates loomed up ahead sooner than she expected. She walked through confidently. She felt different somehow. She surprised herself in the maths class. When Mrs Stevens asked the class for a solution to a problem, instead of not answering, Claudia put her hand up. Even Mrs Stevens looked surprised.

  ‘And why not?’ thought Claudia. ‘I’ve got as much right as anyone else.’

  She even answered two more questions but couldn’t help noticing that Stella and her little band were making faces. Earlier, Stella had met with some of her cronies.

  ‘Claudia bimbo insulted me! She has to pay big-time. She’s just
not getting away with it.’

  ‘What do you want to do? I’m not getting into trouble just before reports go out,’ Lisa replied. Her parents went through reports with a fine toothcomb.

  ‘And I, for one, am not taking on Louise! Have you seen what she can do with a tennis racket?’ Sophie was shifty. She sensed trouble. ‘What’s she actually done?’ they asked.

  ‘She got in my face.’ Stella realised she’d have to convince them. ‘Look, let’s catch her by herself. It’ll be fine. Just a bit of bump and shove. Put her in her place.’

  Lisa was far from sure. ‘Well, okay – but if it leads to trouble—’

  ‘—Won’t do!’ Stella was really cranked up. She was red in the face, and her hype was putting the other two off.

  ‘Last time, she just disappeared into the library. What’s the point?’ Sophie was not keen. Underneath, Sophie thought that Stella was over the top. She had heard Stella had problems at home. But she sensed she could be a dangerous enemy.

  ‘We’ll corner her! Look, are you scared or something? Are you with me or not? Do you want to be in our group or not?’

  Lisa sensed the inevitable. ‘Five minutes! Hit and run! That’s it!’ Stella smiled. That should be quite enough.

  Claudia had a bad feeling that Stella and her friends were going to be difficult. She thought that Stella might want revenge for the other day She was right. After class Stella was waiting around a corridor with a few of her friends. She went on the attack immediately.

  ‘Grovelling to the teacher again? Trying to be teacher’s pet, are we? What a disgusting little grub you are, Claudia!’ she sneered.

  Today, Claudia was having none of this.

  ‘Grow up, Stella!’ she said. ‘I’ll do what I want, not what you want!’ Claudia went even further. ‘Maybe if you answered a few questions, Stella, I wouldn’t have to.’

  This completely shook Stella to the core. All eyes were on her now, and she dug deep to find something that would hurt.

  ‘Got no dad, have you, Claudia? That’s why you’re such a nerd!’

  Stella sensed that she had hit home because Claudia went quite pale at this unexpected attack. Encouraged, Stella went on with the same stuff.

  ‘Make up stories about your dad, don’t you, Claudia? Or should I say your pretend dad. Claudia’s phantom dad, that’s never been seen. Maybe he’s dead.’ Stella laughed. She was looking for a real fight.

  Claudia was shocked, but she got herself together.

  ‘I do have a dad, Stella. He works in Saudi Arabia, and not even you can change that. The fact that he’s away a lot doesn’t change my feelings – he’s still my dad. Is this the best you can do, Stella? Attacking someone’s dad? What’s really wrong with you?’

  Stella sensed that something was wrong. This was not what she expected. She was under attack. Her own friends were looking shifty, and one or two drifted away. In addition, Louise, the head girl, had shown up, heard the exchange and looked a bit shaken up. A few tears had begun to flow. She had been without her father for a few years, and life had been really difficult for her and her mother. Stella desperately tried to retrieve the situation by becoming even more aggressive. She stepped forwards and raised her fist.

  ‘I’ll fix you!’ she spat out as she moved towards Claudia.

  Louise jumped in front of Claudia.

  ‘You’ll have to fix me first!’

  Stella froze with her hand still in the air. Louise, who had been something of a supporter of Stella’s was a force to be reckoned with. She was not only head girl but also the school athletics champion and star tennis player. Stella backed off. Lisa and Sophie had long gone.

  ‘I’ll get you later,’ she hissed.

  ‘I just don’t care,’ Claudia responded bravely. ‘I’ve got much bigger things going on than this rubbish.’

  Claudia turned on her heel and walked off, wondering just how she had managed to get through all of that, but at the same time feeling pretty pleased with the way that she had handled it. Meanwhile, Stella was trying to restore her standing with her other friend, Rebecca, the only one that stayed behind, and Louise, who was still there and who was staring at Stella rather grimly.

  ‘You didn’t support me!’ Stella ranted at her.

  Louise responded. ‘You went too far attacking her dad like that. That’s really low! You know that I don’t have a dad, so how do you think I feel about all that? And, just before I go, I think Claudia’s got real grit. Watch how you go, Stella.’

  Louise turned and walked off down the corridor, leaving Stella with Rebecca.

  ‘I heard that Claudia’s dad really is in Saudi Arabia,’ offered Rebecca, hoping to calm things down.

  This was just too much for Stella. She stamped her foot, screamed and stormed off down the corridor.

  As she walked home from school, Claudia felt quite mixed up. She was still shaken by the attack on her in the corridor. It was hard to believe that someone could be that nasty, and to be after her all the time. Even worse, to get others to go along with it. She had however made up her mind not to let Stella get away with it any more. It seemed to her that she was walking from one set of problems to another set of problems. Her world at school and her world at home seemed all mixed up, and she quietly longed for a world of her own in which there was at least some peace, and where she could be herself.

  Her mind turned to Port Meadow and she thought of the situation with Elaine and Ferdinand. In one way, although they had left the orchestra down, it was rather sweet that they had gone off to play music together. She envied them just a little bit. Julia said to trust herself. Maybe that was it. Trust yourself and don’t worry about others. Even as she said it to herself, that cloud seemed to lift and go away. She would trust herself! Way to go! Thoughts of Port Meadow continued on well into her dinnertime. She couldn’t help thinking of the brave efforts of the trumpets, and actually laughed out loud at the thought of the dreaded Sloan dragging himself out of the mud, only to fall back in again. That was so fun. She was shaken back into the real world by the sound of Kate’s voice.

  ‘I’ve tried to talk to you three times now, Claudia, but you’re away with the fairies again. You might as well go and do your homework. I’ll clean up here.’

  Her mother threw her apron down on a chair, exasperated, if not actually fed up with Claudia’s behaviour.

  Claudia put her head down on the table. ‘What was making Mother so cross all the time?’ she asked herself. ‘I didn’t say or do anything at all.’ She went up to her room, feeling angry that somehow she was being blamed again for something she was supposed to have done or not have done, and about which she knew nothing.

  She dragged her feet up the stairs, making a scraping noise, which only further annoyed Kate, who then threw a pillow into the corner of the lounge. Claudia looked around her room and decided that she didn’t like it any more. It just wasn’t her. She looked around and decided to change things. She kicked her shoes off across the floor of the room. Teddy came off the end of the bed. She put him over in the far corner. She changed the angle of the bed, dragging it across so that it was under the garden window.

  Then the pictures on the walls came off, including the Tree Man picture from The Lord of the Rings. It had been her favourite. Claudia rummaged around in her chest and found two new pictures that she liked better. One was of Aragorn from The Lord of the Rings, where he was holding his sword in one hand and the bridle of his horse in the other. He looked handsome, she thought, and he quite reminded her of Ferdinand. She put that up we she could see it when she was reading in bed.

  The other picture was of two wolves in the snow. They had a fierce, independent look about them. That went on the other wall. She decided that she would read in bed and definitely not at her desk, as she usually did. She grabbed some books and threw them in a very untidy pile on the floor, where she could reach them wh
en she wanted them.

  She took her school jumper off and threw it over at the desk, missing completely so that it fell on the ground near the door. Then she threw herself on her bed with a great thump and started reading. She felt so much better. At the last moment, however, before she went to sleep, she rescued Teddy from his far corner and he joined her under the covers. Some things just don’t change.

  School on Tuesday was quite uneventful. Stella kept well away from her but she did notice that the girls in her class seemed to treat her with a little more respect. The history class did have a few surprises in store for her.

  Mrs Reed, the history teacher, had organised a local history tour for the following day. She was passionate about the Cotswolds, and on this trip she had planned to visit the old English villages along the course of the River Windrush. Mrs Reed spent all the class time explaining the trip, telling them something about the villages, and giving them some fairly strict instructions about getting on and off the school bus. Louise, who was sitting behind Claudia, tapped her on the shoulder and said, ‘I wish she’d tell us about lunch.’

  Claudia turned her head back to Louise and smiled. ‘The most important thing!’ she said.

  After a minute or two Louise leaned forwards, tapped Claudia on the shoulder and spoke to her again. ‘Claudia – look – I just wanted to say, I like what you said the other day, you know, about your dad. I miss my dad a lot. It made me feel better to hear what you said about yours.’ She leaned forwards even further. ‘And, while I’m at it, I’m sorry if I’ve ever been awful to you.’ Louise smiled. ‘Friends?’ she asked.

  Claudia couldn’t quite believe it. Was she really hearing this?

  ‘Friends!’ she said emphatically.

  That night, in her newly disarranged room, Claudia stared at the picture of the two wolves on the far wall. She moved to her desk, quite decided in her mind that Louise wanted to be her friend. She entered a thought in her MySpace.

  What change is this?