I Want to be Me Read online

  She went back to the bed and threw herself back on the pillows. The sun warmed her face and she began to think of her father, working out in the deserts of Saudi Arabia. How hot it must be there, she thought. Thinking of her father working out in the desert made her feel sleepy, and she soon dozed off.

  As the clock on Claudia’s bookshelf neared three o’clock, the doorbell rang and she woke up with a start. It must be Aunt Jane, she thought, and indeed it was. Claudia heard Aunt Jane at the front door. ‘Hello Kate,’ she said. ‘I’ve been looking forward to seeing you. Sorry I’m late – there was a problem at the library.’

  ‘Not serious, I hope?’

  ‘Our chief librarian is off sick. Rode his bike into the canal, of all things!’

  ‘What a silly thing to do.’

  ‘Not entirely his fault. I gather some hooligan blasted him with a megaphone as he was riding along, and in he went. He’s got a cold and he’s lost his glasses!’

  ‘How dreadful! I hope they catch the culprit.’ Kate did not like bad behaviour.

  ‘Anyway, I’m here to see Claudia. Where is she?’ Jane asked.

  ‘Upstairs, having a nap. Look, before I call her down, would you mind popping into the study for a moment?’ Kate asked her sister.

  ‘No problem – what’s the drama?’ Jane asked.

  They moved into the small study near the kitchen. Claudia could no longer hear them, but a shiver had run down her spine at the story of the librarian. She decided to tidy herself up before going down for afternoon tea. Meanwhile, Kate had buttonholed Jane in the study.

  ‘I’m very concerned about Claudia,’ she said.

  ‘Why? She’s great, doing well at school; very well at music, I gather. What’s the problem?’

  ‘Her teacher rang. She said Claudia wasn’t joining in with the others much. She went on and on about Claudia spending too much time in the school library.’

  ‘Is that all?’ Jane sounded surprised. ‘And somehow it’s all Claudia’s fault? This is a storm in a teacup. And, in my opinion, if Claudia is showing a bit of independence, good for her!’

  ‘I just want her to have some friends – and – well –’

  ‘You always were a goody-two-shoes, Kate,’ Jane interrupted. ‘Just let it go – Claudia’s got a mind of her own.’

  ‘Well, she doesn’t tell me what she’s thinking!’ Kate replied, quite defensively.

  ‘Have you asked? And, by the way, you’ve never actually been a great listener…’

  ‘So now it’s my fault?’ Kate started to get upset. Jane realised she may have overstepped the mark. She recalled their old stand-offs. Moody Kate versus bubbly Jane, their mother used to say.

  ‘No… Kate… get a grip.’ Jane squeezed Kate’s arm, trying to calm her down. ‘This is not a big thing, Kate – just relax, and trust Claudia.’

  There was a knock on the door.

  ‘All right, but I could tell you a lot more!’ Kate wiped her eyes with a tissue.

  ‘Let’s join Claudia. I’ve brought her a present. I think she’ll like it,’ Jane said breezily. She opened the door. ‘Hello, Claudia, dear… happy birthday!’

  Claudia was surprised that the afternoon went as well as it did. Her mother sniffled a bit from time to time, but Aunt Jane talked about music and Claudia’s latest piece, and gave her a beautifully wrapped birthday present.

  ‘I hope you like it, Claudia. You might be just surprised by this one,’ said Aunt Jane.

  Claudia wondered what it was. Was it a book or chocolates? Aunt Jane knew what Claudia liked. However, the package felt too light for a book. Claudia was intrigued, and unwrapped the parcel very quickly. To her great surprise it was a pair of sunglasses. How very unusual!

  ‘Summer sunglasses!’ said Jane. ‘For your walks on Port Meadow! Try them on!’

  Claudia put them on and was amazed at how the light changed and made things look so different.

  ‘They really suit you, dear. Look out the window.’

  Claudia went to the window and looked out and was amazed at the way the light seemed to change things. The street lamp stood out more, and she noticed that some things like the bins at the end of the street seemed much clearer. Wonderful!

  ‘Thank you so much, Aunt Jane. I really, really like them.’

  ‘Well… don’t wear them in the dark,’ laughed Jane. ‘Or you’ll bump into all sorts of things.’

  That evening, up in her room Claudia felt a little happier but, deep down, she was still unhappy. It didn’t ever take long for the dark clouds to move in. She put the sunglasses on the desk and slipped into bed. She wondered why she felt so unhappy. It was obviously school. She felt really bad every time she went in those front gates. She really, really hated the front gates. She knew the girls talked about her, and that something she didn’t like would happen almost every day. It might be a nasty comment about her hair or the way she looked, or there would be smudges on her workbooks, comments sent to her laptop. Some of the e-mails were shocking. There was always something irritating or upsetting. Sometimes things got rough, and that was when she took off to the library. The worst thing was, she never knew when or what. What it did do was make her angry, angry with the girls and with everything. Why? What had she done to anyone? Suddenly, instead of feeling angry, she felt really bad, even guilty somehow. What was happening to her? She went over to her laptop. She typed, furiously, banging the keys as she went. Just words. It was done, over in a minute. She didn’t even look at the screen. She just closed down.

  Poor man poor lady poor horses can’t stop just happens comes up just happens don’t even know them so sorry so sorry I know what it is they just wont leave me alone out to get me im empty i hate stella but wont let them win ill keep on and on she just cant win

  She got up and began to cry. She threw herself on her bed and eventually slipped off to sleep. She dreamed of a place far, far away from Oxford – a desert land of camel caravans, of campfires, and of different people, different food and strange but interesting music.

  As usual, the chatter of birds in the backyard woke Claudia. The sun was streaming through the curtains. When she pulled on the side, she could see that it was going to be a glorious Sunday. What to do? After music practice maybe a walk on Port Meadow? That would be nice! Her practice on the flute went very well. It was a difficult but beautiful piece of music, and one that Claudia loved to play because it made her feel really good. She felt that she could make any sound, or noise for that matter with her flute.

  Kate made morning tea and then announced that she was shortly going off to Summertown to do some shopping.

  ‘Be good Claudia, and don’t be out on the meadow for too long. Wear a hat!’

  On such a glorious morning the backyard beckoned. The idea of a good book down by the canal was seriously tempting, and having got some bread from the kitchen for the ducks and swan she was soon in her deckchair complete with sunglasses and book. The sun warmed Claudia’s face and after a while she began to doze off. Her sunglasses slipped down her nose, and her book rested precariously on her chin.

  ‘Hello!’ Claudia sat up sharply, startled by the sound of a voice so close. ‘You were asleep… sorry to… well, I thought you’d just closed your eyes.’

  Claudia saw two strange figures standing right in front of her. At first, she thought one was a clown because his clothes were so colourful. This strange-looking man wore blue, baggy trousers, a pink shirt with a bow tie, and a tall white-brimmed hat. Standing next to him was a tall, fair-haired girl, perhaps about 15, give or take a year or two.

  ‘I am Elfric,’ he said. ‘Professor Elfric Smith, to be precise. And this is Ingrid, from Germany. She’s a summer student.’

  Claudia got up from her chair and stared at this professor and the girl with some amazement. What a strange man! He had sandy hair that came down to his shoulders. When he spoke
he smiled with a beaming smile. His quite round face lit up, and his blue eyes sparkled. He was not very tall but his hat made him seem taller. Claudia summoned up some courage from somewhere and spoke to this strange man with as much authority as she could muster.

  ‘What, may I ask, are you doing in our garden, Professor Smith?’ Claudia was most surprised at the intrusion. Professor Smith smiled generously.

  ‘I was, I have to confess… we were garden hopping… on the way to Port Meadow. Naughty us! And I thought… well… I just thought we’d say hello. It’s such a brilliant morning… people should say hello on mornings like this… don’t you think?’

  Claudia paused for a moment. The professor seemed harmless enough. However, Claudia was wary. She had never seen these two before, and after all it was her private garden.

  ‘Well, hello then, Professor Smith. Hello, Ingrid,’ Claudia said.

  ‘Call me Elfie – everybody does,’ he quickly smiled back.

  Claudia was still in a state of surprise at the intrusion, but she felt she rather liked this strange person. The more she looked, the stranger he seemed. His shoes seemed just a little too long, and his fingers also were long and thin. He just seemed to be a little out of proportion, just a little bit unusual. She thought his red bow tie on a pink shirt looked very funny indeed. Ingrid was carrying a long black case. It looked a bit like an instrument case of some kind. What a strange pair!

  ‘Well – nice meeting you, Professor Smith. Goodbye now. Goodbye, Ingrid,’ she said.

  ‘Elfie, please! Well, we have to go now, we’re in a big hurry – we can’t keep the orchestra waiting.’

  Claudia had begun to sit down in her deckchair again, but the word ‘orchestra’ got her instant attention.

  ‘What orchestra, may I ask?’

  ‘Didn’t I say? I’m a conductor, and my orchestra is practising today on Port Meadow – just below the Traps. We are in the Oxford Midsummer Orchestra competition… and this year we’re in with a chance!’

  The professor smiled again and rubbed his hands, as if in anticipation of a happy event.

  ‘Do you like music?’ he asked. ‘And by the way, what is your name?’

  ‘I am Claudia… and, yes, I love music, and I play the flute mainly.’

  ‘Would you like to come to my rehearsal? It’s just over there on the meadow.’

  ‘Well… well, I think I would.’ Claudia wondered what her mother would think, but the thought of an orchestra on the meadow on a beautiful Sunday morning was just too tempting. She had intended to go to the meadow anyway. She did remember the ‘when and where’ rule.

  ‘I’ll just go and let mother know, of course.’ Claudia ran up to the house and shouted out to her mother, who looked out of the window and gave a friendly wave. Claudia quickly rejoined the waiting pair.

  ‘We’ll walk along the canal bank until we get to the Traps, and then we’ll just cross over to Port Meadow.’

  ‘You’ve gone this way before?’ asked Claudia. It was the long way round. It really was a cheek to walk across people’s garden fronts just to take a shortcut that wasn’t a shortcut, she thought. However, the professor was not in the least worried.

  ‘Only been chased off once – by a doggy, and I ended up with one foot in the canal!’

  ‘That must have been very funny,’ thought Claudia, then said ‘I can’t stay long, but I’ll come.’

  She put on her white sun hat and adjusted her sunglasses, and off they all went, scattering some ducks as they crossed the next-door garden, and then all the gardens after that, until they came to the entrance to the Traps.

  The Traps was not a shortcut. However, it was a special bird and nature sanctuary. It had a winding path through old trees, shrubs, water ponds and high grass. Birds of all kinds lived here, and you could hear and see them moving about in the trees. Claudia didn’t mind the longer route. She especially liked to see the small birds in the sanctuary, the robins, the bullfinches and the wrens. The walk through the reserve was all too fast for Claudia, and they were soon at the bridge that led across to the meadow. They found the cattle gate and, once through that, they were in the great expanse of Port Meadow itself. Claudia was always thrilled to come here, because it was always different, and it seemed to take her into a different and much more pleasant world.

  Today she could see the cattle grazing away to the north towards the old abbey at Godstow. The horses had come south, and were grazing near the Isis River, not far from Bossoms Boats. The greylag geese were there in force, and here and there an angler was trying his luck in the river. Claudia just stood there for a moment, breathing in the air and absorbing the sights. The very sight of the meadow always made her feel stronger. She thought of what she had put in her MySpace, just the other day.

  The meadow runs free

  Isis streams, grass and trees,

  Alive with all that flies,

  The meadow is ME.

  Claudia turned to Professor Smith. She was already thinking of him as Elfie. He was standing quite still, just like she, enjoying the sight of the meadow. Ingrid was smiling broadly. She was clearly a nature lover.

  ‘Where is the orchestra?’ Claudia asked.

  ‘Listen very carefully, Claudia,’ he said.

  Claudia listened and, sure enough, she heard the faint sound of some violins in the distance. She pointed in that direction.

  ‘I can tell right off you’ve got a good ear for music, Claudia. They’re over there on the right, behind that small bank. I must tell you a few things as we walk over, if you don’t mind.’

  ‘Please, go ahead, Elfie… I’m interested’

  ‘Good – at least I’m Elfie now. Well, first, I’ve had some trouble with the lead violin. By the way, I call my people by their instrument’s name. People think it’s funny, but that’s what I do. I keep forgetting surnames. Anyway, Ferdinand, lead violin, is very unsteady at the moment. It has something to do with the harp. That’s Elaine Harp. Anyway, it’s unsettled the whole string section. Second, I have an archrival in this competition. His name is Sloan and he runs the orchestra from Old College at the University. If you see a strange character dodging around in the bushes, it’s probably him – spying on us! We had a herd of horses stampeding at us yesterday. It ruined our practice. I strongly suspect that he was behind it.’

  ‘One horse ran right past me! Scared me half to death!’ Ingrid protested.

  Claudia looked sharply up at the professor. What had she done? She steadied herself. After all, the professor did suspect Dr Sloan. She was intrigued by all of this. It was all new and, she had to admit, exciting stuff.

  ‘What would he want to spy on you for?’ she asked.

  ‘What we are playing, how we are playing, and if we have any weaknesses – all of that!’ huffed Elfie. ‘He is the most dreadful snoop. He’s never won the competition, and for some reason this year he’s absolutely desperate to win.’

  They climbed up the bank, and there, on the other side, Claudia saw an amazing sight.

  2

  The Orchestra

  On the other side of the bank, milling around in a protected hollow, was a large group of people, at least 30, wearing colourful clothes and odd hats. They had violins, trombones, drums and horns and many other musical instruments. The colour, the movement in the sounds, were hard for Claudia to take in. She saw that some were playing and some were tuning their violins, while others were moving around, chatting excitedly. She particularly noticed a tall red-headed violinist, practising passionately on the fringe of the group, and the big man with a tuba who was surrounded by a group of people who seemed to be upset about something. When they saw the professor arrive, everything came to a sudden stop.

  ‘How’s everyone this morning?’ he called out.

  ‘Good morning’, ‘Glad to see you’, ‘We can’t wait to start’, ‘What kept you?’ vari
ous people called out.

  Then the rather large man carrying a tuba strolled over.

  ‘Who’s the young lass, then, Professor?’ he asked, genially.

  Up close, Claudia thought he was huge. She liked his friendly, toothy grin.

  ‘Oh… meet Claudia… I think I’ll call her Claudia Flute since she tells me she plays the flute. Claudia, meet Tom Tuba. A better tuba player you won’t find anywhere.’

  The professor had used one of his odd names for Claudia, and she immediately felt rather flattered that he would do this. The big man with the tuba held out a rather big hand.

  ‘Welcome – so you play the flute, Claudia?’

  ‘Yes – I do. And I also play the oboe, but not all that well.’

  ‘You’re even more welcome than you normally would be, Claudia… we’re a bit light on in that area at the moment.’

  ‘Claudia is just visiting today’ said the professor. ‘How is everything going so far, Tom?

  ‘We have a problem, Elfie,’ said Tom, moving closer. The grin had disappeared, and he looked serious. He leaned over, getting very close to Elfie. Claudia thought that he might not want others in the group to overhear him. ‘Possibly a big problem!’

  ‘Oh! And what’s that?’

  Tom looked decidedly uneasy; he shuffled around and shifted from one foot to the other.

  ‘Out with it!’

  Tom put his hand over his mouth. ‘Elaine Harp has… taken off!’

  ‘What does that mean? Taken off? What do you mean?’ The professor looked shocked.

  For the first time, Claudia could see that the professor had a serious side to him. It was clear that this person, Elaine, was somehow important to the orchestra. Tom was a little slow to reply, but he eventually mustered up the courage.

  ‘Well, we were having a little practice this morning… getting ready, you know… and there was an argument.’